Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Romantic Tendencies

I've finally realized why I never have a boyfriend.

Point blank, plain and simple:  I'm not open for a relationship--not to most people.

I judge you the minute I see you, I figure out who you are based on your interactions, and then I deem you unworthy.

There have been people interested in me. But for whatever reason or another, I decided that a relationship with them wasn't worth pursuing, and I shunned them entirely.  Right now, there's a boy waiting for a text from me--and he will wait forever, or until he gives up.  Because his manner screams desperation, and his reputation isn't clean.  Because I am afraid of what a relationship with that kind of person might bring.

I have rejected people because they were creepy, because they were socially inept on a crippling scale, because they were poor communicators, etc etc.

So when I whine about being lonely, about wanting to find someone to "do life with,"  I have nobody but me to blame for my loneliness.

I haven't been giving people chances, because I'm overprotective of my heart. Which might be a good thing. I play the wary vixen, hiding everything about myself so that you won't be able to get near enough to touch my heart, my emotions, my mind.

On the flip side, if I am attracted to you, I immediately drop the coy act.  I instead want to share everything with you.  Everything I am, everything I want to be. This is true with friendships, too.  My best friends know nearly everything about me, and I know nearly everything about them.

I want deep relationships with people.  I don't do surface friendships, which is probably why I don't get invited to a lot of parties and social get-togethers.  I do have acquaintances, but we're not close.

Every now and again I meet someone that I could romantically connect with.  But usually that connection is one-sided, I wind up trying to share too much too soon, and then I wind up alone again--this time nursing a wounded spirit.

So a few years ago I gave up on love.  I decided I'd be the crazy dog lady (cats make me sneeze).  But I'm only deluding myself.  It's not what I really want.  And now, more than ever before, I want to find someone a little odd, like me, who I could partner up with for life.

I feel like this is all some cruel joke by the universe--here, Katie, see this dude?  He could be your soulmate!  But wait!  You can't have him because he's either 1) engaged/married, 2) not interested, or 3) unaware you exist.

And then I waste a year or so of my life pining over someone I can't have.

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